fit?

I always felt i never fit. No matter where i am. In my family,among people i know,in school,everywhere. I traveled already in many foreign countries trying to see if there i also fit. But wherever i go i still feel people looking at me like i'm a "gaijin" (jap.stranger). An outsider who's there to threaten them or to make their own life harder. And i am a burden to everyone.Tough i don't feel i ask for too much,but is just one thing i was used for 21 years. That everyone comments over the way i look, or what i wear,or how i act. But in fact i just try to find my own place. I always felt different from my family, i always had another view over life and world. It's true that most of my education comes from my mother,but one can have his own mentality. And i do have it. A bit philosophical, that kind of view you get by reading and understanding other people. I just want a place to fit.Even searching for one will take me my whole life. And in fact the best i feel alone. I really see myself buying an old house at the edge of the Northern Sea Coast,to have a full view over a desperate sea,as desperate as my soul is, but with the only purpose of calming my mind. I see myself ending my life alone,reading and writing a book i will never finish. The book of my life in which i leave to humanity advices about how to live a life alone.That would be great for me. For many years i thought i like to have a group of friends,i tried to make one, to build a life like everyone has,but in fact i'm the silent type. I learned that i can get people bored around me so many times i try not to talk that much. Even if i'm good at communicating, i fail in trusting and listening to people good. And many times i end by giving a particular color to what people say. I end by creating my own ideas and giving them the dark shade i often find in my mind.And people usually don't like it. But i can't help it.That's just my own little inside world. I really see that. Me,myself and I at the edge of a high cliff, loosing myself in the large landscape in front of my eyes. A place where i live alone,where i don't bother anyone,where i eat what i can and wear what i have,have as unique friend a cute fluffy dog and a black cat, a place where i won't have an argument,where people will forget i live and no one will come to see if i am still alive or i used the cliff to get rid of everything...So,fit?Where? ...Nowhere...

Afraid?

I am not afraid of death. As tragical as it might be for me. For some unexplained reason i do think this. I am not afraid of it as i am not afraid of my own shadow. But than who am i to think this? I don't know how am i gonna die.Even if it will be an unexplained accident or some normal disease or heart attack. After all...who cares if i die? Some say that if at your funeral come to see you more than 3 friends than you were a lucky person. And i feel like it's true. Even when someone dies we all tend to mind our own business. It's just something normal. It's part of our life. We all die one way or the other. But sometimes i feel the need more than normal. The need to die. And i want my soul to be among humans for the next 3 days. Just to see who will be there. Who will truly cry or who will say "There it goes!One of my best friends died!" And for some reason i am sure it won't happen. Cause we all tend not to care that much. We all follow our daily routine,our life is sad anyway and we don't want to make it even worse. And after all that only family cares about you and they will only care for a while. But we all forget things. And our pitiful life goes on with or without people we care around us. They will all forget about me at one point. They will continue to work,to earn money for their existence, they will all fill the gap i left behind with other things,they will smile and laugh,talk and make friends,forget when my birthday was,remember that on 25th march something was there,but in time forget even that, forget the alley where my grave is,and even the cemetery where they can see a picture of mine on my own cross, family will die and the place will be covered in grass.My skin and clothes will become dust and they will unite with the same soil that made us humans in the Bible. Only my bones will stay behind as a sign of my humble existence on this planet. It sounds hard,but it is true. And we can't change it.We have to admit that at least once in our life we all want to die than. In that particular moment and leave all our problems behind, and hopefully go in that place that we all call Heaven. That can't be. According to other cultures we are meant to come back on this planet,and follow another life. If that is true than i want to be a honey bee. They live for not more than one month.A short but intense life in which they grow,they work,they reproduce, they work for their society and they die. They don't need luxury things, high education, someone to love,or a family to care. They are borne they have a certain purpose,they follow a short way and they die. That's easy from the point of view of a human. We have to do so many things,and face so many hard moments...And we never die when we want it. Life usually has more for us. And it's not that i see only the bad part in life. But i really imagine that. A short life with no regrets. Afraid? I am not afraid of death. I want it and somehow i want to see what happens after.I want to see how someone is borne because i created space. Cause to die means nothing more than making space. Each time a star falls another one rises...

subway...

It's for sure that life is like a subway...We need to get from point A to point B.Like a subway we do that without asking questions. Without thinking why we do it and if it will help us in our life somehow. We live our lives on the surface of the ground but we act like we are underground. We don't look around anymore,and if we do there is nothing much to see.Sad people,in a hurry to earn some money,fighting on a stupid subject, giving orders.
We forgot how to have fun. And when we do it,we tent to not care about the one next to us. Each of us has a certain amount of liberty,until it touches the one next to us. But we forget about the responsibility most of the time.We all know our rights but we forget our duties.
The subway we are is slow or fast, slim or fat, colored or not, happy or sad, more or less moral, but in fact we all come from the same source. Our parents,our education,society. We each have multiple stops and we rarely intersect with the others. The stations are crowded or not, there are friends next to us or not, or people who have the same ideas.
But in the end we all tend to be alone. We are all as selfish as the one next to us, and we all care only about our own happiness and we are able to do unimaginable things to achieve our purposes.
On my subway it says direction unknown. I don't know where i come from,which was my point A and neither where i go,where is my point B. If i feel the need i stop,else i go. The only fuel i need is the love of the people i have around me. Love,appreciation,trust,care, attention and most of all unity.
I barely feel all those,and when it happens i speed up. The level of my fuel is high and i can accomplish many things. But then,there are moments when i lack something or everything, and than the tunnel where i run crushes in front of me and i struggle to find an exit.
Lines appear from nowhere targeting my self trust and my self confidence but i try my best to keep my original way. As hard as it is, with enough changing of direction but i still try to stay on my track. And if i did it till now,from mow on it won't be that hard anymore. I grew up,i added more wagons behind me, with more life experience,more stops where i added people in my life. Some of them went off in time, and all i carry now are just a few friends some of them forgot me,but if i talk to them they will talk back with their usual smile on their face.
One person i feel i didn't choose right.Time will tell me if i did a good thing or not. My sub is opened for everyone that wants to get in,to settle in my heart and in my mind. there are enough seats and in life i think i will get even more.
The experiences i gained help me to choose the right turn,to think before i act and to be able to give advices to friends i see. And even to other subs that just pass before me and by mistake we intersect.
I do feel like a subway in my life with no exact end and no exact stops...