fit?

I always felt i never fit. No matter where i am. In my family,among people i know,in school,everywhere. I traveled already in many foreign countries trying to see if there i also fit. But wherever i go i still feel people looking at me like i'm a "gaijin" (jap.stranger). An outsider who's there to threaten them or to make their own life harder. And i am a burden to everyone.Tough i don't feel i ask for too much,but is just one thing i was used for 21 years. That everyone comments over the way i look, or what i wear,or how i act. But in fact i just try to find my own place. I always felt different from my family, i always had another view over life and world. It's true that most of my education comes from my mother,but one can have his own mentality. And i do have it. A bit philosophical, that kind of view you get by reading and understanding other people. I just want a place to fit.Even searching for one will take me my whole life. And in fact the best i feel alone. I really see myself buying an old house at the edge of the Northern Sea Coast,to have a full view over a desperate sea,as desperate as my soul is, but with the only purpose of calming my mind. I see myself ending my life alone,reading and writing a book i will never finish. The book of my life in which i leave to humanity advices about how to live a life alone.That would be great for me. For many years i thought i like to have a group of friends,i tried to make one, to build a life like everyone has,but in fact i'm the silent type. I learned that i can get people bored around me so many times i try not to talk that much. Even if i'm good at communicating, i fail in trusting and listening to people good. And many times i end by giving a particular color to what people say. I end by creating my own ideas and giving them the dark shade i often find in my mind.And people usually don't like it. But i can't help it.That's just my own little inside world. I really see that. Me,myself and I at the edge of a high cliff, loosing myself in the large landscape in front of my eyes. A place where i live alone,where i don't bother anyone,where i eat what i can and wear what i have,have as unique friend a cute fluffy dog and a black cat, a place where i won't have an argument,where people will forget i live and no one will come to see if i am still alive or i used the cliff to get rid of everything...So,fit?Where? ...Nowhere...